We found out that Ryan’s infertility doesn’t have an explanation. What does that mean? Doesn’t God owe us an explanation? No, He really doesn’t. Where do we go from here? We are in a good place. The only thing I can call this place is “reality”. We are realizing that we do not control any aspect of our life. Years ago we made a decision to marry each other. From that moment on things went out of control. Its been a hard 7 years learning to give up control of dreams and ideas we both had about marriage, life and family.
Ryan always used to tell me expect the worst and you won’t be disappointed. I used to get SO mad at him and angry at God for a husband that was such a pessimist. Today I am thankful. Ryan has helped me through the disappointments that life has brought. Hope is still very important. We both hope to have our family and our ministry. Yet we look at things different then some might. Its hard when people tell us that they believe with out a doubt we will have all these things. They don’t know. They DON’T know. Unless they somehow have direct connection to God’s future thoughts and plans. Jer. 29:11 tells us, “For I (being God) know the plans I (God again) have for you. Plans to give you hope and a future.” That doesn’t mean it’s what we have in mind. It just means He knows what our future holds. NOT US. We can hope because we know God knows. And that is a peace that He has given me. Today anyway.
Next time you feel like encouraging me with, “I know you will be a mom”, stop yourself and just ask the Lord to give me hope and trust Him with whatever future He has in store for Ryan and I.
Saying goodbye is one of the first things a parent teaches a child. A simple waving of the hand and saying, “Bye! Bye! Say bye bye to Daddy (or mommy)”. You would think that from learning this from a young age it would make this process a bit easier. It just isn’t so. Ryan and I have now lived in Dallas for almost 6 years. We have met so many wonderful amazing people that have not only become friends that we will have for a lifetime but also ones that have changed us into the people we are today. Both of us would agree we would not change a thing about these relationships we have made. At times Ryan has muttered, “why do we always make friends with people that move so far away?”
I am beginning to realize that such is life. We are living in a place that is bringing about changes and people come as quickly as they go. In a couple days we will say goodbye to some friends that we both have grown to love and respect. If only we could turn back the clock and have that innocence of a baby waving bye bye. There IS a peace that surpasses most peoples understanding though. Its knowing that no matter what, we are connected to these people through a common bond. Ryan and I do hope to visit Australia, California and Northern Ireland soon. We can’t wait until we see our dear friends again. How cool it is to know that we WILL see all these best friends again?? It just might not be the old fashioned way.
Soon we are off on our adventure. I am really excited for all that we will do and see. Most of all I am just excited about the time spent with my family. Its been a long time since we have had this time with each other. There have been a couple additions since our last family vacation. My poor dad was always the lone ranger.. being the only male in the family. Now we have Ping J, Ryan and Tony. Our 3 amigos to keep Dad feeling all manly and stuff.
So much to do… so little time. I haven’t even pulled the suitcases out yet. YIKES!
Today I woke up all pumped and excited about the fact we leave in 2 days for a 22 hour drive to Montana. We are spending a week in the mountains with my family. Really I would say this is a dream vacation. Beach… that is okay. However in the mountains with air that is crisp and trees covering the earth as far as the eye can see. I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Needless to say, I was excited. I AM excited.
I had an appointment with my, lets call him : Specialist. He was running the last and final test on my body to see if everything worked well enough for me to carry a pregnancy. It was a quick procedure that would require the stir-ups (gotta love the stir-ups ladies) a long needle and the magic wand. I won’t go into more detail then that. Other then it was not something I looked forward to and ended up being more painful then I thought. It wasn’t the pain I really focused on during this however. It was what the doctor literally told me minutes before it started. It was still echoing off the walls as I laid there staring at the ceiling in the cold room while a nurse hovered in the corner. He told me that Ryan’s fertility test came back with a some “abnormalities”. That is a word you NEVER want to hear when you are either attempting to get pregnant or pregnant I’m sure. Its like hearing from a guy “can we just be friends?” Anyway with a cracked voice I asked him what that meant. He went on to say that it was days like this that he hated being a doctor. Funny, I was thinking that it was days like this I hated doctors. Without making my poor husband feel exposed to the world, it was made clear that it didn’t look good. The last 3 years all that we focused on with infertility was on me. Now the focus was coming off me and staring Ryan in the face. We have options and there is still HOPE. It sets us back some days, maybe months. I am determined not to let this set me back altogether though.
I prayed in that office that I wouldn’t get angry. I prayed that I would keep moving forward. I prayed that the Lord would not allow the fear to creep back in. I’m still praying……..
What I plan to write about is very personal and well something I haven’t written about to many times. Its about my children. Some of you might have a moment where you ask “when did Laura have a child?”. I haven’t. And that is why I am writing. No, not to whine and cry about the lack there of. No, I am writing because of who I am because of not having a child. Next month my precious husband of 7 years and I, plan to start down a new journey in our marriage. We are going to attempt to get pregnant with the help of 1 doctor and plenty of nurses. A dish, needles, a freezer, hormones, tears, $16,000+ dollars and prayer that I believe moves mountains. 3 years ago we found out that we could not have children. I thought that nothing on earth could shake me more then that realization. Months after that, my childhood friend Jenny died suddenly. I was rocked to the very core of my being. Grief came in very different waves. Anger, frustration, depression, denial and well I wouldn’t call it acceptance, but I guess the acceptance of today. For many days I have cried and sometimes screamed at God. How could this God who is about “love, forgiveness and hope” take from me my very identity? And then the nerve of the loving God to take a woman who would give birth in less then a month that had so much to live for? There were days that I wanted nothing more then to take my life and make it a memory for others to deal with. First I went to our doctor to talk about my loss of hunger and weight loss,.. he told me I was clinically depressed and needed a counselor. I saw one of those as well. That was a waste of time. She asked me a bunch of questions and honestly I felt like they were questions found in a textbook. Okay lady, I’m depressed. Thanks. I just lost my dreams and a dear friend. Sooooooo my relationship with my parents was rocky growing up. And?
One particular day that has stood out to me during my grief was a walk I took one night with Ryan. We walked down this long street for what seemed like forever. At first the sidewalk was broken and at times even broke off and forced us to walk on the grass through peoples yards. As we continued on we eventually came upon a beautiful neighborhood and it was at that point that the sidewalk became perfect, like the houses seemed around us. As we walked I was happy for the new path that was easier on my feet. However it didn’t take long to realize that in order to get home again, we would have to turn around and walk back across that same ruff tureen. The Lord showed me how life is like that sidewalk at times. We hit spots that are so ruff that we are forced off the path and then we walk into the smooth and think all is well only to realize to get home we are heading through the bumps and cracks again. It was also on that walk that Ryan told me what I should be living for and the hope that I can believe in again. He didn’t promise me children running around in our white picket fenced backyard. Nope, he told me about the hope that is in Christ. A hope I had heard many times in my years growing up as a Pastor’s daughter in a Bible church that heard the word. I was never promised children by the Lord,or growing old with my friend Jenny. He talked about placing my dreams and hopes into things on this earth including people would never give me that “you complete me” moment of perfection. I argued with Ryan that the Lord had dealt me (yeah,… poor me) a bad hand. I went into a long explanation of how from being a teen to that point nothing came easy for me. Okay so as you are understanding at that point I had pulled out the balloons and streamers and threw myself a pity party. In that dark cloud of depression hanging over me, I couldn’t see ahead or behind myself. It was all about me.
TODAY. Today is different then yesterday. I haven’t figured out this life yet.I still question so much around me. I know that I have become a little more jaded. I don’t cry near as much as I used to. And sometimes that bothers me. I do know that I am here. I believe that for some reason I might never find out why I am baron and Jenny died. Yet, I am at this moment HERE. I still want a baby so much. However the difference in me today is that I know I can make it. I don’t know if I will. And that is only because I have come to believe that God is powerful. He knows so much more then I can ever figure out. He has allowed science to expand so much that they can help the Creator of all things make life happen in a lab dish. They then take that life and put it into me so I can be the caregiver for, Lord willing, 9 months (+18 years) . I really pray that happens. My hope is slowly coming back for that to happen. So I begin, we (now that I am not selfish anymore *wink wink), this journey down my road of a process science calls In-Vitro Fertilization. Tomorrow might bring something new. Today I am me and that’s okay. Broken, jaded for the moment, angry at times, sinful yet forgiven ME. And yesterday, today and tomorrow the Lord is walking down this sidewalk with me.
Just the other day I was thinking about the constant change of friends I have seen come and go through out my life. My time has always been occupied by people that have not only challenged my life but made me who I am today. What dawned on me the other day was how suddenly the revolving door of friends has slowed and I have found myself more reserved and withdrawn then any other time in my life. And its been GOOD. Do I love the people I have met along the way? Of course! And often I miss them a lot. However I realized I am more confident and at ease in this stage of my life then ever before. Don’t get me wrong, friends are priceless and I need them. However the moments that I have treasured lately are the ones that I have had in solitude.
Ahh the seasons of life…. aren’t they grand?
This is the the hardest thing I have dealt with in my life. And I say that with complete honesty. Drugs, relationships, death, and infertility all have been major struggles in my life. However the one thing that I know if I were to write my own “Screwtape Letters”… my little demon would say this girl, her “struggles” with Contentment. Other things have thrown me off tract for moments sometimes longer then others. You hit me with a bout of dis-contentment and I spin out of control. Thats really what its all about, you know. Day in and day out I see people on television putting on a act but its not the characters on tv I envy and find myself longing to be like. Nope, its more dangerous then that. All around me I am surrounded my people that are really cool. Family that I adore, friends that I love. Its them… that bring me to those dark places in my soul. I see what they have, and I am not talking about materialistic items. No, we are talking.. their relationships with each other and God. That is what I cannot be content with. I have struggled with this from Oklahoma to NYC and then it got really bad moving here to Dallas. DTS has been the witches brew. It took a couple months for me to feel out of place and unhappy with what I had and worse, who I was. Its dangerous, I know to live like this.
However like with many other things, I don’t think I am alone in this. We all have some struggle with this. I know until I am free of this I cannot fully serve my Savior. “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.” I just have NOT learned the secret of being content.
I also have had to ask myself this question: Should I be content here? One of my favorite quotes is from , (yes) C.S. Lewis. “If we discover a desire within us that nothing in this world can satisfy, we should begin to wonder if perhaps we were created for another world.”
I just have to find that balance.