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Category Archives: Personal Thoughts
so I’ve been a little silent lately. I haven’t had anything to say. Actually I have been struggling more then I have in a long time. Struggling for air, struggling for answers, struggling for peace. I understand why we are having to wait. I get that my body was not ready for this. However it doesn’t change the fact that I am having a hard time with more waiting.
If my body heals okay ,the earliest that we will have the transfer is mid November. Which makes me sad.
Right now I ask that you, my friends, pray on my behalf. That I might be patient. That I will be able to be still.
I wrote this whole long post but just didn’t feel like I was really showing you my true colors.
I’m hurting. I think it sucks that we have to wait. However I do still believe that God is a good and loving God. Today, I choose to trust Him with what He has in store for us. In the grand scheme of things… what is waiting a couple months?? What is another $3000?
He still is in control.
Please pray for my pain… Its becoming quite an annoyance. I have a hard time sitting for long periods of time. Which is why I don’t write in here much these days.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your email’s, comments, text messages and all the above. I have really needed your encouragement. Its through you all that I know He is still here.
My mom has been here since last Wednesday (and leaves tomorrow….) and I am so very grateful to her for all that she has done. Her very presence has helped me so much. These last couple days have been one emotional roller coaster after another and its been so comforting to have my mom here with us.
This morning at the butt crack of dawn… we had to be at Baylor for my surgery. When we arrived I was having a really hard time breathing and walking well it has been a challenge the last couple days. They were able to go in a drain fluid from my ovaries that was causing pressure in my chest and especially my abdomen. Dr. Marynick hopes that should do it but has warned us that we might have to go through this same procedure in a couple weeks. I just traumatized those poor things so much that they are now having melt downs, it appears.
Both Ryan and I were very discouraged to find that the cost of the procedure today was around $2300 and that, like all of this… is out of pocket. We had paid the LUMP sum back when the stimulation’s started and from that point on.. they deducted every sono, dr’s visit, drugs ect.. from that money. Well we have now drained the money dry and having to pay for these little extra things.
God provides. I have to keep reminding myself of this. We had tossed around the idea of my mom coming last week because of the uncertainty of what would be happening. God knew. He knew I would need my nurse/mother to be here.
Ryan is a great man. He is NOT a nurturer.
Soon as I feel better and my stomach is normal and I am not taking any major drugs. I am having a GIANT cold Diet Dr. Pepper!!!!!!! (and I will be so very grateful for that luxury)
The last few days have been some of the most difficult days I have had to “live through” ,in my life. Not because of great tragedy but because of the severe pain that my body has been in. All day yesterday I had a sick feeling in my stomach that the timing was not right. I voiced my fears to God. Asking Him to please give the healing that I needed to carry a pregnancy or a way of knowing His timing.
We had our transfer scheduled for this morning at 8:30. I got all changed, the embryologist came in and met with us. She was very excited about the health of the 2 eggs that they would be transferring momentarily. Dr. Marynick came in and told me that he heard I had been having shortness of breath.
Here goes….. ( I thought)
He did a sonogram and found there was fluid build up in my ovaries which could be causing possible irritation to my lungs as well. After much discussing with the other doctor what would be best for me, the embryo’s and our future, it was decided that we should wait.
…”they that wait upon the Lord, shall renew their strength….”
I prayed this morning that the Lord would give me peace. I knew that His timing in all this is really the perfect timing. Since, after all, HE is the creator of life. (as my sweet mother in law reminded me) And although we have gone down a very un -conventional way of getting pregnant. I have no doubt the Lord has been walking with us every step of the way. And God is with us.
Tomorrow morning I have to be there at 7am for a quick surgical procedure to drain the fluid from my ovaries. Hopefully this will start me on a process of healing and prepare my body for a pregnancy in the future. Not today. Not tomorrow.
We were told in order to heal properly, I need to give my body 2 months to get back to normal. Which wasn’t a surprise to me, since it has been verbalized before. We are trusting God with this and we continue to ask the Lord for healing. I have been in such a great amount of pain and I am ready to feel “normal” again.
Pain. Its what I am feeling non-stop right now. Its actually the reason I haven’t been on here to relay to you all our wonderful news. Our embryologist called this morning first thing to share with us the success of our eggs. She did the ICIS on 24 eggs. (gulp) but after that was done 10 came out the winners! (meaning the others didn’t make it through the process.. which is natural) She told me that we have 10 very healthy strong embryo’s. (our babies!) What a blessing this was to hear this.
Although I have to admit… I was thinking …”what the heck?!?!? I carried around 59 eggs to have 10 hatch?!?! Don’t get me wrong… we are so very thankful for this amount. We have been committed to having the number of embryo’s no matter the count. So 10 is cool with us. Each embryo has a 50% chance of survival in the womb. So our Doctor, taking into consideration my age (young that I am) wants to put only 2 eggs in me. Which according to embryologist that brings our chances of a pregnancy up.. since both have a 50% chance. Now, heres the catch… Since I have had so many medical problems then they might only place 1 lil’ one in me. Which we are content with. Further more… if I do not heal and show signs that my ovaries are shrinking then they will have to freeze the embryo for a future transfer.
They have scheduled my transfer for this Saturday afternoon!! Which means this body of mine,.. needs to ‘pull it self together’ (as Dena always likes to say). As of right now, I can barely walk to the bathroom without being doubled over in pain. I have not been able to stomach any food. And well the thought of going into pregnancy feeling like this! Not so fun! Sooooooo….
Father God, please heal my body. Prepare my womb for this or these little ones that I get the honor of carrying. We acknowledge that You are the giver of life. Not the doctors but You! You were there the very second they were created and You will be there the moment they enter this earth. And I want to trust that its in YOUR time Father.
Praise the Lord!!! That is all I can think to say right now. I feel so blessed by Him. He pulled it off… All my doubts and fears were squashed as I was waking up to hear the nurse talking. They were able to get 36 BIG healthy eggs. As we speak the embryologist is already working away on them. We have to have a procedure called ICIS done due to male factor infertility. Our nurse said… “that should keep her busy for the day”. Tomorrow we expect to hear from her and they will give us the date of our transfer! It looks like we are able to have it done either Saturday or Monday!
My mom is arriving tonight from Oklahoma. I am so thankful to have her come and care for me. She likes to remind me that “I’m never to old to be taken care of by my mom”. Which is true. It will give Ryan a break from having to do all the lil’ things I haven’t been able to do. It also gives us time to be together during this very exciting time in our life! If anybody will make sure I’m not straining myself the next few days.. its my mom.
Tonight I have to start taking 4 medications. 2 will be helping with the Hyper-stimulation and the other are just pre-pregnancy, post op precaution. And since I have gotten so used to sticking myself with needles, its only fitting that I have to start having progesterone shots this evening that will continue for the next 3 weeks. (oh the joy!)